Everything that you perceive in this world, is through your head. You are the one who decides whether the things you do are worth doing, or just a waste of time. No matter what you think, the job has to be done. Just the way you perceive, approach and accomplish the job, depends on you, up there.
We did a short sketch today. It was part of our curriculum. I bet the lecturers were bored teaching us, so instead we put up some show for them. At first, I felt really negative towards this activity. To me, it was a waste of time. I did not see how I could benefit from this activity. But the job had to be done, and God-knows-why I took up the initiative to write the script for this play.
Since I was young, I enjoyed writing. Writing is a way for me to express who I am inside. Words are so powerful, yet so tender. I wrote a couple of scripts for our Christmas play, but all were rejected. It was sad when your pieces was not accepted. So I just gave up writing, telling myself that script writing was not my thing.
Until now, I took up my pen and started writing. I was not sure whether my friends in my group were capable of writing a script. No, I was sure that we were capable, but are they willing to sit down, discuss and spent hours on constructing this whole thing? Would not it be faster if I finish it myself?
I opted for the second one. Well, we did some little practice, and I explained a little on the really simple sketch. It was fairly simple, straight forward, without any drama. I thought it was not very creative, because the script came from me alone. A play is supposed to be a team effort, but I did most of it, and I do not feel good about it.
The play was fine. We did make the audience to laugh. The lecturers enjoyed themselves. But I was not satisfied. The satisfaction of teamwork, sharing and helping one another is dead.
I am not sure what is the reason for this... lack of spirit to really create a good play, but maybe it is because of the hectic life I am going through.
Hectic life as in we have to study every day, and even when I study until 2am, I still cannot finish. Not because I was incompetent, but there are too much. Medicine is really really not easy. And the medical students are really really busy.
Honestly, this is just a little bit harder than what I faced in my STPM. I studied almost every day during my Form 6. But I think the difference in undergraduate and pre-university is that the later one has a syllabus. Whereas the university medical students ought to know as much as they could. How much? You set the limit. Saying that, I think I am pointing the finger back to me. I set the limit, my limit, too high.
I always wanted to strive for the best. And I kinda succeeded in almost everything I do. Probably that is why I do not feel good after the play; I felt like I have not put in my all into it.
No, this is not call stress. Not emo. Just deep pondering. And when you are talkative for most of the days, and for one day you just shut up and think, people around you will start thinking that you have problems. Well, probably problems that I do not even know it is a problem.
I know by the time you read until here, you would realised that you had wasted your time reading to my crap. Relating to what I said in the first sentence. In whatever we do, it all depends on what we feel, we think and how we evaluate it.
I had been putting on so much unnecessary pressure onto myself on doing so many things, and when I just could not do it, I feel down. This means, I promised myself to write in this blog every single day, make it like a diary. But imagine me studying until 2am. Do you honestly think I would still have the energy to write my diary?
So, in this really pointless post but important to me, is to remind myself that, we are not superman. I am not superman. We cannot do everything. I cannot do everything. There is things we have to let go if we want to grab hold of the other. I must let go the self-appoint responsibility of writing diary every day because I cannot let go the responsibility to do well in my studies. There is a Chinese saying, fish and bear's paw, only one choice. Indeed, I spent some time today, to write this, as a reminder to myself, that I should not feel burden for not completing everything we have on our check list, but to feel proud, and accomplished, that we had actually set goals for us to achieve. The point of checklist is not to check everything, but to make sure we make effort to have our checklist checked.
I will share some of the interesting and inspiring stories in this blog. Maybe there will not be many for these 2 years, as I would just spent my life in the campus, not meeting real patients. I do not see how studying theory can excites me as much as seeing a real patient and applying my knowledge to help others. But before I could get excited with all those experience I look forward to, I know that the very basic foundation is equally critical as the excitement I am about to experienced... in the future.
IS HECTIC LIFE A NORMAL LIFE?
Yes to me.
What about you?
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