If only...

Climbing up to the unknown...

Reaching up to my dreams...

The dreams that seem impossible

ultimately impossible

for now...

And all day long,

IF. IF. IF. IF. IF.

would be the only

comforting word I could use.

If only I have a million dollars right now.

If only I have the best result in the state.

If only I have the fame of a famous star.

If only I have a mirror that shows the future...

If only...

The future is full of 

IFs

and that's what make out future so...

intriguing.

After graduating from highschool

and after freedom from the army camp,

I realize I'm in a much devastating state than ever.

The difficulties I face in school,

and the horror in my army camp,

were no match to this moment right now.

And do you know what moment it is right now?

The moment of not knowing

what to do,

where to go,

and what's my next move...

It's like a ship,

lost in midst of the ocean.

It's like a man on a camel,

lost in the dessert without direction.

It's like an astronaut, 

losing his way back to earth.

I'm too free.

And that is scary.

As scary as losing the purpose of living...

**

I do not wish for

TOTAL FREEDOM

Well, I believe that this moment,

is just a chapter of my life,

that I have to get on with it.

And thus,

learning that one needs to be 

engage to something

or someone

or somehow anything

'cause not doing anything

is rather useless;

better dead than being a rubbish, eh?

*

 If only...