lost

i never wanted to be seen like a failure.

so many people looked up to me. or at least, the people i know. i have been so confident in myself.

so fucking confident that i thought i could be the special one.

but then reality kicks in and i am nothing but shit.

there are so much more people out there that outshine me so much brighter.

in that instance, i felt overshadowed and lost.

all these while i thought i could be a doctor. my studies were good and my results were promising.

i have been quite religious and all that time i thought God really blessed me.

well i was really blessed.

until i hit teen-age. then things started to took a huge turn.

i was not normal. to my religion, i was a freak. an outcast. it was bad at the outside, but what was worse was the inside, how i felt and how i could only just struggle with myself. 

i could not find anyone to tell. i did talk to Jesus. but i never heard anything. am i deaf to the voice of the Lord?

as time pass, things were gradually going bad. my high school results failed me by 2 A+ to actually get rewarded by a full bursary fund from the bloody government. and i end up having to study the public stupid education system that was so fucking obvious that we were dump there like unwanted kids in the system.

i thought i could shine in this shit hole. but then i was short of 0.17 to get full marks. i thought my results were good enough to get a place in uni for a medical course. but hell i was wrong. turned down by all the varsities and realized that other privates were full. i have lost my opportunities. was going to aim for next year but then heard the competition was so great with my results i do not even stand a chance. 

lost in the deep blue ocean, my sampan is beating me off, slowly drowning all my confidence.

at this moment i really want to just give up.

all this time i had been saying God's will God's will but for now, it does not seems like there's a God to begin with. where am i? what is this? am i even on the same page as God?

OR IS HE TELLING ME TO STOP?

pushing me to all the hurdles and letting me fall. is this it? is this what you want?

Yes God i am mad. i am angry. i know i should not but i am. i do not understand why on earth where people who had lesser chance than me got it but i have nothing. 

people told me that when God took away something from me, He is giving me something else which is far more better than what i wanted or had in mind.

is that true? 

is that possible?

(to be continued...)