Reposting: Form 6 Farewell

in my heart

It was a miracle that on this faithful day of August 29 2014, Friday evening, the infamous 6AS2 gang had decided to meet up for one last time before departing into their own paths and into their own future. 

BEFORE

August 12 2014, Tuesday.

Early in the morning, every STPM 2013 batch student was nervous but excited at the same time. I was so nervous I could not sit still. I went to the toilet countless times because that is what I do when I get nervous. The result would be out at 12 o'clock in the afternoon. THE result that every STPM student yearns to know; a placement in the public university. 

Tick, tick, tick.

I was on Messenger with my friends, waiting together, virtually. We were so scared but excited at the same time. That day I woke up at nine, but just felt like time was crawling. Thank goodness I was not the only one. The rest of 6AS2 were feeling as if the earth slowed down.

11:59 am.

"Can check ady!" (means can check the result already)

Everyone flooded into that website. Fingers were shaking. Palms wet. I quickly typed in my IC numbers and ANGKA GILIRAN to check what course and what university I was offered. 

MAAF. NAMA ANDA TIDAK ADA DI DALAM SISTEM.

WAIT. What? Did I typed in the wrong IC numbers? Or did I gave the wrong ANGKA GILIRAN?

At this second, my phone went berserk with all my notifications of Messenger. It was my friends. They were yelling and shouting (virtually with Caps) with their given courses and universities. 

"Wait for me...", I thought.

This time, I keyed in my numbers and details slowly and carefully. 

"Please please please..." I was murmuring as it buffered.

MAAF. NAMA ANDA TIDAK ADA DI DALAM SISTEM.

At that instance, I lost hope. My view of vision was blank, and I could feel as if I have fallen into an endless and bottomless pit. I sat still for a minute. My phone continue to go insane with the now congratulations and omg we are classmates comments. I was breathing heavily. 

"Why? Why me?" 

I asked myself.

"What happened? Did I do something wrong? Wasn't I good enough?"

All these questions just floated into my mind, and I gave way for it to overwhelmed me.

Then, there was this mixed feeling of envy, hate, anger, proud, happy, and lost.

I was happy and proud of my friends. Especially my two very good friends that had made it.

I was envy of my other friends to at least have a placement in a university, although it was not their desired course or uni.

I was angry of what my outcome was.

I hated myself at that very moment.

And completely, I was lost.

* * *

Alone in my house. I did not know what I should do. I felt like crying. But only dry tears fell. 

As if I was struck by stroke, I felt weak. "I didn't get it..." I SMSed my father and my mother.

Next, I go through all the comments in Messenger. The atmosphere had not die down. It took me a couple of minutes to catch up with what was spoken. I wanted to type Congratulations. But I could not. 

Deep down in my heart, I never felt so low, so unwanted, so lost. 

All I typed (if I remember it) were "Shit, I didn't get anything." 

And then I click "Leave group".

What happened next in there, I have no idea. 

Honestly, I felt I did not belong to that group anymore. And I am not blaming anyone. It was nobody's fault. 

And I do not (and will never) blame them for being happy, celebrating their result, and busy having fun.

But because mine turned up different, and in a very bad way, unexpected of course, I was not in the mood. 

For anything.

NOT even for a meet up. In my mind, I never want to meet them anymore. 

I do not know why I felt like that. It seriously was not their f*king faults, but why, WHY I kept on venting my anger and failure on them?

We all know that teenagers seek out for their own identity as much as a sense of belonging. Every teen in this world wants to stand out among the group, yet desire to have belonging. A contradiction in itself. No kidding. But God made us special, and frankly, pretty complicated. So sometimes, we just f*ked up.

One of my friends called me. But I ignore her. And I really hope she understands.

I shut out everyone that day.

My mother came back after fetching my sister. But they did not ask or said anything. I found out later that it was because, and I quote, exuberating a very dark aura. Like those cartoons anime you see when somebody sit in a corner with black ghostly auras around him.

Beside receiving a blow to my confidence from the unfortunate result, my Dad was not really helping at all.

He criticized me, and said something like how God did not bless me and other really stupid things to say to a disheartened person like me. Normally I will 'discuss' with him, but on that day, I could not. I just told him,

"Dad, if you're not helping, please don't talk." And I went into my room.

 I went to bed. This time, the tears felt wet.

That was the worst day ever. In my Form 6 life.

AFTER

After much counselling, talks, chats, and sharing with countless people over the internet (God I love the internet), including e-counselors, really close friends, juniors, seniors and church people, I managed to calm down. All that within 24 hours. 

Yes, I had the worst 24 hours in my life. 

BUT I told myself,

"Shoon, SIT UP, CHIN UP, AND LOOK! You cannot just fall down, can you? Your aim is to be a doctor. A f*king doctor! It's not THAT hard, is it? Medical doctor is a tough job! Mentally, physically and emotionally challenging job! YOU MUST ENDURE this! Otherwise, you cannot prove to be a good doctor. You be sad, be angry, be whatever shit you want right now, but after that, NO MORE CRAP!"

And my friend, that is how I got over all those shitty emotions, and calmed down.

Allowing yourself to bath in that pool of emotions is OKAY if you get out of that pool after a limited time, otherwise, you will drowned. 

I could not remember when I got back into that group I left in Messenger.

But this time, I did not hate them anymore. Nor would I want to envy. But I still did not want to see them.

I did not felt.... worthy.

They were desperate to meet up. One guy was constantly buzzing us with all the different times, locations, things to do, and so on. But I just kept quiet.

They had their first meet up. The week before our last lang out. I could go, but I did not want to. Instead, I chose to be with my former students, doing some silly YouTube challenge. Vlogging. (last week's vlog).

I know I am being a bitch. But I might be a worst bitch if I meet up with you guys that day. My emotions had calmed down, yes, but I was still having the aftermath of that awful roller coaster ride.

You will be surprise of how much a week can do to somebody. 

In that week, I also met with an accident. Double the fall. But somehow Mum was there, and my good friends were there for me. She said she never trust me anymore whenever I say "I'm fine." because deep down, I am not.

*Fun fact. I always try to portrait the best of me so I do not ruin that atmosphere. You will never guess what is going on in me, deep down. And I will not hesitate to lie just to convince you that I am okay. Do you believe me being honest now? Or am I doing it again? Coincidentally this is how an Aquarius are. But horoscopes are just for fun. 

So my friends are finally leaving. And I told myself, even if I still do not want to see their faces anymore, I still have to meet up. For the sake of us and our memories. But the more I think of them, the more I want to meet them. You can say that I am making this up. But this is how I really felt. 

This is the true magic of genuine friendships. It is far more stronger than any spell that Harry Potter can cast.

This is the true power of a real bonding between friends. It is far more closer than any bond in this universe.

God loved us so much He blessed our meet up. Some of us who initially could not stayed long or make it just somehow had their original plans cancelled or postponed. Just so we could meet up. I have no idea if that was their own decision or God's intervention, but I am totally grateful for it.

It was a miracle that on this faithful day of August 29 2014, Friday evening, the infamous 6AS2 gang had decided to meet up for one last time before departing into their own paths and into their own future. 

We had Domino Pizza for dinner, and then went upstairs for some coffee in Coffee Ink. 

Not gonna show you what we ate, because these bitches in front of me aer so much more important than the good coffee and cakes.

We had fun. We talked. We chatted. We laughed. And laughed some more. We took pictures. And then some more pictures. And even more pictures. WE WERE NOISY.

If I was one of the patron of that coffeehouse that day, I would most probably be like "damn this kids."

When you do crazy stuffs together in public and do not give a damn of what people think. That is how you tell when you are with your true friends.

In that short time we had together, plus the time we shared during our Form 6, I genuinely felt that we are closer than brothers and sisters. You guys proved me wrong; that no, I do not hate you. That hatred moment was just a product of an egoistic guy in a suckish situation. I could never imagine my life without you guys.

*Fact. The service in Coffee Ink was so nice and warm I felt in love with their service far more than their coffee. (and no, I am not paid to say this, and not, I am not promoting. shut up.)

All words and no pictures are boring. So to reward you for reading this much, here are SOME of our happy moments together.

munchkins

男才女貌

nah.

oopp

with Si Giant

hmm hee

chiiioo

smile

like finally

lai mouth wide wide

green is the new black

rose face

teeehee

hey there

bros for life

why we so kawaii

i hate/love him

bear hug ahh

blekkk grrrr

sorry winky

coffee beans say hi

boom clap get him

lengzai bo?

lenglui bo?

im sexay and i know it

dentist check teeth

K.O.

oh it's over?

FUTURE

I truly wish them all the best in their uni life. They are my stars and together we shine. Even though we may not be together forever, but we still can shine as bright as a diamond. (wait, diamond don't shine, it reflects!)

So do stars shine even they are light years apart, so do we shine even we are miles apart.

My plan is to now look for a private local university, where I can continue my dream of becoming a medical doctor. Yes, it might be very costly, but letting go dreams is a price I cannot pay for the rest of my life.

As for them, I had managed to vlog their destinations in my video. This week's vlog is dedicated solely to these amazing people. Watch In My Heart | Dylonix Vlog 4 to know more.

vanilla latte

coffee ink

crepes

** To my friends, why did I insist on meeting up in a coffeehouse? Have you ever wonder?

That's because I need those caffeine (legit drugs, so to say) to stay wide awake, so we could have an endless talk until we could not talk no more, and so I could see all your pretty sexy faces clearly and remember them vividly before saying goodbye. Getting any diabetics? I hope so. 

Anyway, just to clarify things, NO, I do not hate you guys anymore for anything. And definitely YES, you guys are really the reason I cannot complain of wasting my time in Form 6, because meeting you guys made time stop. And I never once regret going to that hang out that very night. And never will regret. 

take care loves

So before I stop this insanely long post, I thank you so much for taking time for reading this. 

Until next time, take care.

Ciao! (don't forget to watch the video! or I'll bite)

Reposting: Chubby Bunny Challenge

27 August 2014

CHUBBY BUNNY!

this is my very first collab in my vlogging history.

those two idiots are my former students.

did I mention that I was a teacher?

So yeah.

we did a 100 McNugget Challenge at his channel.

Then it's my turn for us to vlog for my channel!

We moved on to the Chubby Bunny Challenge.

At first I wanted to do something call the food slap

but somehow I switched to this at the last minute.

Well, because I felt like eating marshmallows than sweets.

I really hope to do more collabs with more 

amazing and funny people out there.

It's an incredible way to get to know someone

and actually click with him or her if it goes right.

Even if it doesn't, we still had fun.

And that's what matter the most.

Okay, after swallowing so many marshmallows,

I think I should pump up my workout

and get those bloody sugar 

OUT of my body.

Overall, I enjoyed it very very much.

I tried my best to edit it so it does look funny.

If you watch it, and laughed once,

or even just smiled, a little,

then I am more than happy to say that I did it.

After all, I did it just to make your pretty and handsome face

smile.

Have a good day!

Ciao!

Reposting: 3 months a teacher

APRIL 28 2014 - JULY 4 2014

Mr. Chemistry

April 24 2014, Thursday

I received an expected call from my very-far-cousin/ex-maths teacher around 8:45 pm.

"Do you know anyone interested in teaching Chemistry and Science Form 4 in SMKBU? The pay is RM100 a day. And it starts at 7.00 am to 1:30 pm every day," my counsin/teacher asked.

* * *

For 2 years, I have been giving private tutors to some students. One to one. And I go to their houses. I have never teach in a real school before this, so I was pretty curious. Since the subjects were Chemistry and Science, which are my stronger suits, I have confidence teaching those subjects. I was actually interested to take up that job. So instead of thinking of anyone else, I was thinking of ME. hahaha. 

One of the days before this, I was just killing time in a tuition centre after my class. Then, out of the blue, my tuition teacher requested me to take over one of a Mathematics Form 4 class. The Maths teacher who was supposed to come was sick and so they need a replacement like immediately. Just like that, out of the blue, I became a temporary Maths tuition teacher. Not really knowing what to do, they gave me a book, and said, "Today's topic is Indices." 

Thank goodness I have not return back all my Mathematics knowledge to my teacher. Some were actually still in tact with me. So with no preparation at all, spontaneously, I delivered one decent, enjoyable session on Indices. I was not sure of how I did but the students reassured me that I did a good job for an interesting lesson. And oh boy am I pleased to hear that I did not screw it up.

Deep down inside, I felt that God wanted me to learn something from this. I always believe everything happens for a reason, and that everything was not just anything, but something that God intended for us. 

Is He telling me that I should pursue Education? Because I despise Malaysian Education System.

Is He telling me that I can teach and I have this gift? Because I already know I love teaching and sharing knowledge and experience.

Is He telling me that I should give up on Medicine and go for Education? Because I am not giving up on my doctor dream.

Then what is He telling me?

I really have no idea. But I truly believe that I learned something that day. Consciously or unconsciously.

* * *

"So? Anyone you know interested to take up this job?" She asked again.

"Me." I answered.

And so it happened. After going for some interviews in school and the district education centre, I finally got the job. By the way, that was my Alma Mater.

One thing I must tell you. The initial pay mentioned by my teacher of RM100 a day was reduced to RM72 a day because I was not a graduate, but only with a STPM certificate (equivalent to A' Level). 

OKAY, fine.

BUT THEN, it was reduced AGAIN to RM54 a day, because the original STPM certificate was not out yet and I only had my original SPM certificate (equivalent to O' Level).

OKAY, fine. 

If I was for the money in the first place, I would have quit before even starting the job. The interviewer looked at me, and I said, "It's okay, RM54 is better than nothing."

From that moment onward, I knew I could not just work for the money. I must gain much more within that three months. Experience, friendships, and more experience, than just pay checks. In that way I actually used my time well and not wasting my 6 hours a day just for RM54, because honestly, I make more money tutoring for 2 hours. From this little incident, I know that my work priority is not based on money, but based on experience and the fulfilling of the work itself. So one score for knowing myself more, Yay!

* * *

You know, the vice headmistress wanted me to start immediately on Friday. She was like, can you enter class TODAY? And I was like, "Uhm, no. I'll start on Monday. If you don't mind."

I heard that before me, there was a young Malay lady who came in my place. But she left instantly after entering one class. I have no idea what "terrified" her. Maybe it was the students. But I am not running away. If I have decided to do this, I do it to the end. I must proof to myself, that my decision is right.

First day

April 28 2014, Monday

my nest in the teachers' office

Okay, so I have written down my days in a diary. Not everyday, but most of the days, when something happened. But I am not going to write down everything here, because that would be crazy. \

Basically, I taught the first and third class of Form 4 (age 16) Chemistry and the sixth and seventh class of Form 4 Science. The first four classes are in the Science stream while the rest are in the Art stream. Honestly, I did not know that Art stream students need to take up Science as one of their compulsory subjects. All along, I was the Berlian Kid (the smart-snobbish-nerdish-anti-social type of kid in school). Besides that, I also taught P.E. for the Form 3 kids. Not a big deal anyway.

Oh, and I was the class teacher for 4 Zamrud. which makes me responsible for these 4 Zam kids. Great.

Coming back to my own school after 2 years, not as a student but as a teacher felt completely different. I do not feel the tension of the stupid rules and regulations set up to keep students in this legal 'prison' on me. Instead, I felt happy because I am here to do something different. 

cikgu cantik and their gifts for me

I was welcomed by my former teachers and they were very kind to me. They helped me to get started, and to know the things a teacher should know. I appreciated their help and I needed it badly especially when I had no experience or whatsoever. Here are some of the teachers who helped me.

The first day of teaching was exciting, terrifying, insecure, confident but unsure. It was just messy. Mixed feeling everywhere. Especially when the all the students were actually starring at me, and wondering all kind of things. By looking at their faces, I was able to 'read minds'. 

"Why is this teacher so young?" 

"Is he even a teacher?"

"What can he teach since he's so young"

"Why is this teacher so small?" (okay, i am only 5 feet 5, so yeah, I am shorter than some of my students)

"What is he doing here?"

and the lists goes on...

I professionally ignored all these silly thoughts and questions, and just teach. I did answer a few, but I got tired because everyone asked the same freaking questions over and over again.

YES, you can be young and teach! In fact, I was the youngest teacher in the school. 

YES, I can teach because I got the brain. Not to brag but it is true.

and YES, I can teach even I am only 5 feet 5 (169cm).

My first day went well. And the rest is history. I will be keeping those details to myself. If you don't mind.

Last day

JULY 4 2014, Friday

That week was my last week in school. Within that three months, I have form countless bonds and friendships with my fellow students in every class. We have become more than just teacher-student relationship. They are my friends. We joked, we learn, and we share. We play sometimes, even during exams, and we were enjoying our lessons. I hate to scold students. Most of the time, I laughed at their silly remarks and jokes, and even told my own silly jokes. I was glad that I were able to connect with them. Maybe it was because of the small age gap. I was more like a friend than a teacher.

For my last lesson that last day, I brought my 4 Berlian and 4 Zamrud students to the canteen so we could have a meal together (during school time. I know it's against the rules but F**K the rules!)

I could not bring 4 Topaz and 4 Opal with me because that would be too much to handle and besides I did not have lessons with them that day so it was just impossible. Sorry guys. 

We ordered Domino Pizzas, a dozen of boxes. I was afraid that there were not enough, but who knows, it was more than enough. Thank you God, the One who provides.

We had fun. Loads of fun. My Zamrud students had been shooting me with water guns all day as I taught the last lesson. Tell me, who else are willing to get shot by water guns while still teaching?

But that was not the epic part. The insane part was that they poured a whole bucket of water on top of my head and oh boy was I wet from head to toe. How cool is that that I did the ALS ice bucket challenge way ahead of time. Here is what happened to me. I got all wet. (It was cold!)

Oh and I got aluba-ed by my fellow students. Mad. But fun. Because it was my first time. And hopefully my last time. ahaha. (Aluba is an action where you get hit and pushed and twisted around a pole at your private part. It hurts if they are rough. I don't know but it's an experience. Don't worry, you won't get hurt.)

That, is how I spent my three months as a teacher in SMKBU. 

A WORD

THANK YOU to all my lovely students in 4 Berlian, 4 Zamrud, 4 Topaz and 4 Opal of 2014. 

All of you, in many small ways, had given me such pleasant memories and a bountiful of experience for me to take them with me. While teaching as a temporary teacher for 3 months, I have no regret or whatsoever in mind. I do not regret a day teaching you guys even though sometimes you pissed me off. I yelled at 4 Zamrud once, and it felt awful. I never like teacher yelling me, so I promise not to yell at students anymore. 

It was my pleasure teaching and sharing with you all what I know about Chemistry and Science. Obviously, I have no qualifications as a teacher, but what I know about Chemistry and Science is not far behind any teacher in school. In fact, I think I might be as good as them... or better? I have no idea. 

4 Berlian

To 4 Berlian, you guys reminds me of myself because I was in this class too. Smart, intelligent, cocky, proud, selfish, insecure. When I first enter your class, I knew you guys would be using the Can-this-teacher-teach type of vision to view me, because I used it myself when I was your age. Confession. But I think I was able to proof to you that I can teach as well as any teacher out there. Right? You guys are the first class. The best among your age. So you would be expected to excel. And I genuinely think you guys are capable of excelling in any subjects you do if you put your heart into it. I see brains but I still did not see the maximum effort. You reap what you sow. So if you do not put in effort, forget about getting an A+, because God does not reward freely to those who does not work. Prove me wrong, and show me you can ace as well. All the best! Don't make the Berlian reputation drop! And I will try my best to slow down when I talk. Thanks.

4 Zamrud

To 4 Zamrud, you little kids reminds me of my mischief. I was born in a strict family where rules are to be obeyed. My mischievousness was kept locked until you guys unlock it for me. The nasty and playful me was able to roam free under your domain, and I never felt so alive and free. Thank you for letting me know how to have fun and enjoy a school life. God had given you to me to redeem my happy school life that I lost during my high school year. You guys may not be the brightest, but you guys are no way lesser than others. Some are even better than the Berlians. You are special in your way, and I see that in each of you. I know my lessons might be sometimes boring, but life, as you guys are so good in it, giving it colours and cheerios. So do that in your academics! Have fun studying! Excel! 

To 4 Topaz, when I first enter your class, I was intimidated to be honest. You guys were active, ferocious, hyper, and so loud. But you guys were the funniest too. The most friendly bunch of kids I have ever encountered. So brave and so warm that you made me felt at home. You guys honestly did not treat me like a teacher, but better still, you guys treated me like a brother. Our Science lessons started with Reproductive system and genetics and I know that would be the best thing to get your attention. Since some of you are bigger and stronger than me, I was always cautious in what I say, as usual, but you guys were too nice to be bad ass. And you guys are the first class for the Art stream, so do well in your studies and I would very much love to see how you guys succeed in life. All the best and thank you.

To 4 Opal, I was rather distanced with you guys for quite some time. Not sure why but you guys are actually nice people. Just that your attention span for lessons are so much shorter than others I tried my best to actually get your attention than to teach. A group of girls who enjoyed singing behind the class managed to sing every single time I enter your class. To be honest, go join a singing competition and live out your dreams! You guys may not have the capability to study for long hours like others but I see potential in you all. Some are good in drawing and others are great in sports ( I saw your medals). Studying is not everything. If I were the Minister of Education, I would rather have you guys learn something you want to learn and excel in it, rather than just sitting down and read stuffs you do not like. Anyway, thank you.

* * *

The Berlians and Zamruds love to take pictures. I allowed them to bring their handphones to school (bad ass teacher). So here are some of the memories frozen in time. Enjoy.

selfies queens

monkeys

say cheeeeeeeese

more selfies

brothers and princes of Berlian

sisters and princesses of Berlian

water gun shot by these retards

princesses of Zamrud

awesome peeps of Zamrud

4 TOPAZ and OPAL were shy.

But it's okay, we will take our pictures one day.

* * *

You guys are so sweet so warm I melted like a helpless snowman on summer. A bunch of gifts and loves.

Love you guys seriously

A group of generous girls from 4 Topaz gave me a cheese cake. You guys made me cried because I felt so terrible for not asking you guys to join for the farewell yet you are so so generous. One girl told me she enjoyed my lessons and actually stop playing truancy since I started entering her class. The marble cheese cake tasted so rich so thick, it justified your gratitude, respect and love to me. Not in my wildest dream will I ever imagine that I can actually be loved by you guys. I am eternally grateful for your guys. Not a day will I not miss your class even though they are loud and noisy because those are the noise of friendship and bonds.

yo

genuine laughter

4 BERLIAN and 4 ZAMRUD gave me a Best Teacher Award. I know where you guys bought it. But still this kind of thing can only be give as a gift, and cannot buy for your own. Otherwise it will loses its meaning. I accept this award as I have done all my best (seriously I was like a workaholic for you guys) but still, I thank you so much for your recognition of my effort. I truly believe that no work will go in vain. And you guys just proof that to me. Thank you so much. For this award I need to thank my Mum and Dad for faithfully sending and picking me up from school each day. You know, no cars in Malaysia is as if no legs. So yea. Thanks.

i laminated your love

4 ZAMRUD and 4 BERLIAN also gave me these lovely thank-you cards (much touched). As you can see, I am quite a collector and I intend this cards to be kept well. So I laminated it. Now they are gonna be preserved for the next hundred years, eh? When I am bored or lonely or felt that my effort had not brought much progress, these cards are like my bible of encouragement. You guys really know how to make a teacher feel appreciated and loved. Thank you for this memory. I treasure them.

*PS. i don't quite understand Aramaic in the card, but I guess you said thanks. And I love the drawings.

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO SO MUCH

I will remember all of you even in my scariest nightmares.

Your faces are engraved in my heart forever.

And because of you,

I found my courage and confidence

to post my videos on YouTube.

You guys are the source of my  inspirations.

And because of you

I got entirely wet in my own Alma mater.

I have never been so wild and it 

And because of you

I have memorable memories in my own Alma mater.

God had made our paths crossed.

And I am so thankful for that.

Some of you are still in contact with me.

Hey, I might not be your teachers anymore

but I am still your friends!

Love you guys.

I know this is wrong, but who knew that a 21st-century-20-year-old teacher might get this kind of respect. 

You guys are the best. That is a fact. 

i am so not worthy of this

Okay. So I guess this is it. I have to stop somewhere right? I took a video to thank you guys personally. I hope you watch it. Take care and have a good life. 

Ciao!