Reposting: Form 6 Farewell

in my heart

It was a miracle that on this faithful day of August 29 2014, Friday evening, the infamous 6AS2 gang had decided to meet up for one last time before departing into their own paths and into their own future. 

BEFORE

August 12 2014, Tuesday.

Early in the morning, every STPM 2013 batch student was nervous but excited at the same time. I was so nervous I could not sit still. I went to the toilet countless times because that is what I do when I get nervous. The result would be out at 12 o'clock in the afternoon. THE result that every STPM student yearns to know; a placement in the public university. 

Tick, tick, tick.

I was on Messenger with my friends, waiting together, virtually. We were so scared but excited at the same time. That day I woke up at nine, but just felt like time was crawling. Thank goodness I was not the only one. The rest of 6AS2 were feeling as if the earth slowed down.

11:59 am.

"Can check ady!" (means can check the result already)

Everyone flooded into that website. Fingers were shaking. Palms wet. I quickly typed in my IC numbers and ANGKA GILIRAN to check what course and what university I was offered. 

MAAF. NAMA ANDA TIDAK ADA DI DALAM SISTEM.

WAIT. What? Did I typed in the wrong IC numbers? Or did I gave the wrong ANGKA GILIRAN?

At this second, my phone went berserk with all my notifications of Messenger. It was my friends. They were yelling and shouting (virtually with Caps) with their given courses and universities. 

"Wait for me...", I thought.

This time, I keyed in my numbers and details slowly and carefully. 

"Please please please..." I was murmuring as it buffered.

MAAF. NAMA ANDA TIDAK ADA DI DALAM SISTEM.

At that instance, I lost hope. My view of vision was blank, and I could feel as if I have fallen into an endless and bottomless pit. I sat still for a minute. My phone continue to go insane with the now congratulations and omg we are classmates comments. I was breathing heavily. 

"Why? Why me?" 

I asked myself.

"What happened? Did I do something wrong? Wasn't I good enough?"

All these questions just floated into my mind, and I gave way for it to overwhelmed me.

Then, there was this mixed feeling of envy, hate, anger, proud, happy, and lost.

I was happy and proud of my friends. Especially my two very good friends that had made it.

I was envy of my other friends to at least have a placement in a university, although it was not their desired course or uni.

I was angry of what my outcome was.

I hated myself at that very moment.

And completely, I was lost.

* * *

Alone in my house. I did not know what I should do. I felt like crying. But only dry tears fell. 

As if I was struck by stroke, I felt weak. "I didn't get it..." I SMSed my father and my mother.

Next, I go through all the comments in Messenger. The atmosphere had not die down. It took me a couple of minutes to catch up with what was spoken. I wanted to type Congratulations. But I could not. 

Deep down in my heart, I never felt so low, so unwanted, so lost. 

All I typed (if I remember it) were "Shit, I didn't get anything." 

And then I click "Leave group".

What happened next in there, I have no idea. 

Honestly, I felt I did not belong to that group anymore. And I am not blaming anyone. It was nobody's fault. 

And I do not (and will never) blame them for being happy, celebrating their result, and busy having fun.

But because mine turned up different, and in a very bad way, unexpected of course, I was not in the mood. 

For anything.

NOT even for a meet up. In my mind, I never want to meet them anymore. 

I do not know why I felt like that. It seriously was not their f*king faults, but why, WHY I kept on venting my anger and failure on them?

We all know that teenagers seek out for their own identity as much as a sense of belonging. Every teen in this world wants to stand out among the group, yet desire to have belonging. A contradiction in itself. No kidding. But God made us special, and frankly, pretty complicated. So sometimes, we just f*ked up.

One of my friends called me. But I ignore her. And I really hope she understands.

I shut out everyone that day.

My mother came back after fetching my sister. But they did not ask or said anything. I found out later that it was because, and I quote, exuberating a very dark aura. Like those cartoons anime you see when somebody sit in a corner with black ghostly auras around him.

Beside receiving a blow to my confidence from the unfortunate result, my Dad was not really helping at all.

He criticized me, and said something like how God did not bless me and other really stupid things to say to a disheartened person like me. Normally I will 'discuss' with him, but on that day, I could not. I just told him,

"Dad, if you're not helping, please don't talk." And I went into my room.

 I went to bed. This time, the tears felt wet.

That was the worst day ever. In my Form 6 life.

AFTER

After much counselling, talks, chats, and sharing with countless people over the internet (God I love the internet), including e-counselors, really close friends, juniors, seniors and church people, I managed to calm down. All that within 24 hours. 

Yes, I had the worst 24 hours in my life. 

BUT I told myself,

"Shoon, SIT UP, CHIN UP, AND LOOK! You cannot just fall down, can you? Your aim is to be a doctor. A f*king doctor! It's not THAT hard, is it? Medical doctor is a tough job! Mentally, physically and emotionally challenging job! YOU MUST ENDURE this! Otherwise, you cannot prove to be a good doctor. You be sad, be angry, be whatever shit you want right now, but after that, NO MORE CRAP!"

And my friend, that is how I got over all those shitty emotions, and calmed down.

Allowing yourself to bath in that pool of emotions is OKAY if you get out of that pool after a limited time, otherwise, you will drowned. 

I could not remember when I got back into that group I left in Messenger.

But this time, I did not hate them anymore. Nor would I want to envy. But I still did not want to see them.

I did not felt.... worthy.

They were desperate to meet up. One guy was constantly buzzing us with all the different times, locations, things to do, and so on. But I just kept quiet.

They had their first meet up. The week before our last lang out. I could go, but I did not want to. Instead, I chose to be with my former students, doing some silly YouTube challenge. Vlogging. (last week's vlog).

I know I am being a bitch. But I might be a worst bitch if I meet up with you guys that day. My emotions had calmed down, yes, but I was still having the aftermath of that awful roller coaster ride.

You will be surprise of how much a week can do to somebody. 

In that week, I also met with an accident. Double the fall. But somehow Mum was there, and my good friends were there for me. She said she never trust me anymore whenever I say "I'm fine." because deep down, I am not.

*Fun fact. I always try to portrait the best of me so I do not ruin that atmosphere. You will never guess what is going on in me, deep down. And I will not hesitate to lie just to convince you that I am okay. Do you believe me being honest now? Or am I doing it again? Coincidentally this is how an Aquarius are. But horoscopes are just for fun. 

So my friends are finally leaving. And I told myself, even if I still do not want to see their faces anymore, I still have to meet up. For the sake of us and our memories. But the more I think of them, the more I want to meet them. You can say that I am making this up. But this is how I really felt. 

This is the true magic of genuine friendships. It is far more stronger than any spell that Harry Potter can cast.

This is the true power of a real bonding between friends. It is far more closer than any bond in this universe.

God loved us so much He blessed our meet up. Some of us who initially could not stayed long or make it just somehow had their original plans cancelled or postponed. Just so we could meet up. I have no idea if that was their own decision or God's intervention, but I am totally grateful for it.

It was a miracle that on this faithful day of August 29 2014, Friday evening, the infamous 6AS2 gang had decided to meet up for one last time before departing into their own paths and into their own future. 

We had Domino Pizza for dinner, and then went upstairs for some coffee in Coffee Ink. 

Not gonna show you what we ate, because these bitches in front of me aer so much more important than the good coffee and cakes.

We had fun. We talked. We chatted. We laughed. And laughed some more. We took pictures. And then some more pictures. And even more pictures. WE WERE NOISY.

If I was one of the patron of that coffeehouse that day, I would most probably be like "damn this kids."

When you do crazy stuffs together in public and do not give a damn of what people think. That is how you tell when you are with your true friends.

In that short time we had together, plus the time we shared during our Form 6, I genuinely felt that we are closer than brothers and sisters. You guys proved me wrong; that no, I do not hate you. That hatred moment was just a product of an egoistic guy in a suckish situation. I could never imagine my life without you guys.

*Fact. The service in Coffee Ink was so nice and warm I felt in love with their service far more than their coffee. (and no, I am not paid to say this, and not, I am not promoting. shut up.)

All words and no pictures are boring. So to reward you for reading this much, here are SOME of our happy moments together.

munchkins

男才女貌

nah.

oopp

with Si Giant

hmm hee

chiiioo

smile

like finally

lai mouth wide wide

green is the new black

rose face

teeehee

hey there

bros for life

why we so kawaii

i hate/love him

bear hug ahh

blekkk grrrr

sorry winky

coffee beans say hi

boom clap get him

lengzai bo?

lenglui bo?

im sexay and i know it

dentist check teeth

K.O.

oh it's over?

FUTURE

I truly wish them all the best in their uni life. They are my stars and together we shine. Even though we may not be together forever, but we still can shine as bright as a diamond. (wait, diamond don't shine, it reflects!)

So do stars shine even they are light years apart, so do we shine even we are miles apart.

My plan is to now look for a private local university, where I can continue my dream of becoming a medical doctor. Yes, it might be very costly, but letting go dreams is a price I cannot pay for the rest of my life.

As for them, I had managed to vlog their destinations in my video. This week's vlog is dedicated solely to these amazing people. Watch In My Heart | Dylonix Vlog 4 to know more.

vanilla latte

coffee ink

crepes

** To my friends, why did I insist on meeting up in a coffeehouse? Have you ever wonder?

That's because I need those caffeine (legit drugs, so to say) to stay wide awake, so we could have an endless talk until we could not talk no more, and so I could see all your pretty sexy faces clearly and remember them vividly before saying goodbye. Getting any diabetics? I hope so. 

Anyway, just to clarify things, NO, I do not hate you guys anymore for anything. And definitely YES, you guys are really the reason I cannot complain of wasting my time in Form 6, because meeting you guys made time stop. And I never once regret going to that hang out that very night. And never will regret. 

take care loves

So before I stop this insanely long post, I thank you so much for taking time for reading this. 

Until next time, take care.

Ciao! (don't forget to watch the video! or I'll bite)